The new book in the parenting section of the book store; Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”  has generated a whole lot of discussion.  Here is a link to a Wall Street Journal article titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.” http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html?KEYWORDS=battle+hymn+of+the+tiger+mother

 Mrs. Chua is raising her children in the style of a Chinese Mother which she explains is very strict, demands excellence, allows little “free time” and gets results.  I don’t deny that this method would reap the results she is seeing but I have chosen another way.  My parenting style isn’t stereotypical of any particular culture but reflects my experience and my beliefs about children and people in general.

Yesterday morning, I read the Wall street Journal article aloud to my 17 year old daughter and my 12 year old son over breakfast and we discussed the pros and cons of this type of parenting.   My daughter instructed us on Thomas Hobbes social contract theory and how she believes that the Chinese have historically been governed by and lived in a society that is based on the idea that people will not do what is right unless forced to do so by expectations of those in authority, strict rules and discipline.  We had a nice bit of a side discussion on this and examples of other kinds of governments and societies.   

 My children agreed that I do not parent in the typical “western” style but that I am not near as controlling as the typical “Chinese mother” presented in this article.  I think I am tough and firm but there is a lot of room for individuality.   I expect them to do their best and be responsible citizens whether in our family, school, neighborhood or the larger community.  I suggested that my beliefs about children; specifically my children, drive my parenting style.  I believe that, although children do need guidance and direction, even a small child is able to make choices and is responsible for those choices.  I have said over and over again to my children that every choice brings about a consequence; good, bad or otherwise.  Even judging a consequence as good, bad or otherwise is a choice or preference.  When they complain about things that happen to them, we try to trace it back to a choice that they made.  How else can they learn to avoid negative consequences or predict consequences so that they can make better informed decisions? 

 Because a child starts out as a part of a mother’s body, it is normal that even after they are born, they feel like an extension of us, like another arm.  They are completely helpless and we control so much in their infancy.  As a baby begins to have more physical control, we lose control.  I can remember when I dealt with some frustration and thought to myself, I need to accept that this is a separate human being who will do things I don’t agree with, whether it is rub applesauce in her hair as a baby or turn her hair purple as a teenager.  I decided right then that I was looking forward to meeting this person as her personality and temperament continued to emerge.  My goal was to help my children navigate their way in the world to a place they wanted to be.  I planned to give them opportunities and support them.  My goal never was to create GREAT achievers in a specific talent or career.  My goal was to raise loving, caring, thoughtful, independent, responsible citizens of the world.  In later years, I have simplified this goal to “you are not allowed to be a pain in the ass.”

 When my children were very young and were about to do something that would bring about negative consequences or discipline, I would give them choices.  I would say, for instance, “I said “No, you cannot have any candy because we are eating dinner soon.”  Here are your choices; you can calm down and go find something to do until dinner or you can keep screaming at me and you will be sent to time out and you will not get dessert after dinner.  Having candy now is not a choice.”  If the child chose to back down, I would give positive reinforcement and say “I think you made a good choice because now you can enjoy playing and you get dessert.”  If the child chose to continue the tantrum or escalated, I would say “I see you have chosen to go to time out and go without dessert” and I would follow through with the consequences the child chose reminding them that this was their choice.

 I am all about choice and personal responsibility for ones actions or lack thereof.  I believe that independence of thought and personal goals will serve one much better in the long run.  I think of a parent as a guide and advisor not a task master.  I am here to support their endeavors not lead the endeavor.  Having said that, I don’t support everything they dream of doing.  I want to see some commitment and a high level of interest and investment of time and energy before I join the team.  I have high standards.  In this way, I see that excellence can only be achieved with a very high standard.  I am very honest with my children which is sometimes difficult.  I don’t tell them they are bad at something, I only point out that their ability is directly related to their experience or how much time they have invested.   Whether they want to do the work to get better or not is a choice that my child makes, not me.  My children and I have an understanding that I will never be what I call “an American Idol mom.”  We have seen a few contestants who are in absolute shock when they are told that they are not as talented as they think they are.  Behind every contestant who is in complete denial about their level of talent is a mom who lied to them. 

Life is an adventure and a journey.  Children should be able to try out activities, hobbies, and gifts.  It is a great thing when a child realizes that they are really good at something even if it is shuffling cards or jumping on a pogo stick.  Even a young person can be a subject matter expert in the eyes of their peers.  My daughter loved being the girl who knew everything about snakes and she truly enjoyed teaching the neighborhood kids that not all snakes were dangerous.  This builds confidence and creates a desire to explore and exercise other gifts and talents.  Eventually, this will lead to finding something to do as a career or lifestyle; something edifying for themselves and those around them.

 As to frivolous free time such as play dates, slumber parties and other activities; these are wonderful ways for a child to compare and contrast their family life with others.  They learn to be flexible and adapt to another family’s traditions and schedule for just a few hours or one night.  My kids always come home with interesting stories and usually compliment me on something specific.  It’s not that the other family is not as good but that my child truly appreciates something the way we do it and notices that it is special.  Also, all mothers know that kids only truly exercise their manners when they are at someone else’s home.  When a child overhears a compliment about their behavior away from home, you can just see them puff up with pride. 

The story Mrs. Chua tells of the battle over the piano may seem shocking but I think that a child raised in her home would not be traumatized by this vignette.  My children and I laughed when we read what the child said after the mother took her doll house away; “I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?”  This is not a traumatized or mistreated child.  Only a child with a strong will who trusts her mother would hazard such a bold move. 

 When my children want to quit something, we talk about commitment and expectations.  For instance, I would not let my daughters quit T-ball, which they both wanted to do.  My oldest said “I want to be on the team that gets to bat.”  I reminded them that their team members were counting on them.  I made them finish the season but I didn’t make them play the next year.  When they become frustrated because they hit a wall and think they cannot do something they want to do, I do what I always do; I pray for creativity and a sense of humor.  Being silly and laughing can go a long way with a frustrated child.  I don’t know that my way works better than yelling, insulting and threatening, but it is a lot more fun for me.  That is another thing about my parenting style; I don’t like stressful, negative, super intense atmospheres so I do try to keep things positive and upbeat. 

 My children may become great in the eyes of the world, the media, in a certain interest area or just to their family or small community.  If they do, my goal is still that they will be great in a loving, caring, thoughtful, independent, and responsible way.  Who they are and the impact they have on people and the world around them will always be more important to me than any title or award. 

 I suppose my goal for my kids is for them to be themselves and that doesn’t seem to fit into the Chinese Mother’s model for parenting.  So, I don’t disagree or judge that parenting style, I simply do not choose it.  I hope the consequences will be that my children will accept themselves and others and look for the greatness in everyone regardless if it is a child prodigy playing a grand piano on the stage at Carnegie Hall or a homeless man playing the harmonica on a street corner.