One of the most basic tenets of etiquette and good manners is to never discuss matters of politics, religion, money or sex in public.  Most of us learned this as children along with saying please and thank you.  The goal of this axiom is that avoiding possibly contentious topics would allow for enjoyable conversation for all parties regardless of personal differences of opinion.  A gathering of any kind or size could be kept on a light and agreeable tone while enjoying the company of others.  To discuss these topics in public was considered the height of rudeness and insensitivity. 

Of course, etiquette books are seen as outdated relics.  After all, this is a time of anything goes, openness and frank discussion.  Everyone seems to love yelling “FREE SPEECH” with the tiniest of provocation.   It is fine to voice ones unhindered opinion during a planned political discussion, a debate, a town hall meeting, on a news show or at a legislative committee meeting.  Letters to the editor, Blogs, conversations with those you know share your views or with your immediate family at the dinner table are great.  The rule does not say to never discuss these topics at all, it says “in public” and that means around people you may or may not know well.  The goal of being polite is getting along with others.

There has been a lot of talk lately on the hateful tone, hubris and vitriol which has become common in American politics in the last few years.  After the tragedy in Arizona, both Republicans and Democrats have called for an end to the name calling, demonizing and hateful discourse between those who have political disagreements.  There is a renewed desire for peaceful, articulate, discourse and this is a really good thing.  I, for one, am glad that there are disagreements about how to run this country.  My hope is that as each representative articulates his ideas, beliefs and intentions; those who disagree might learn something, find common ground or at least understand how they can correct their opponent with the goal that they would come to some agreement.  Our government and our country are great because of the process of discussing and arguing political matters and finding a consensus. 

My family happens to live in an area where Republicans and Tea Party activists are the majority.  I tend to be more liberal and often vote for Democratic candidates.  My husband is more conservative and tends to vote for Republican candidates.  Although we don’t always agree on political issues, we are able to voice our opinions without insulting each other.  Our children have grown up hearing both sides to political issues and they have heard both of us concede various points and explain our opinions.  Our private dinner table conversation can be quite interesting when the kids join in and make extremely valid points of their own.  We allow very open conversation on all subjects at our table but with the admonition “this does not leave this table.”  My children have been encouraged to engage in polite conversation.  Another guideline we have discussed is the three rules of polite conversation.  1) Is it true?  2) Is it necessary?  3)  Is it kind?  I have found that these rules, when applied, keep me out of a whole lot of trouble.

For the past few years, really since before the 2008 presidential election, I noticed in my personal daily life that neighbors, friends, strangers, and even new acquaintances were absolutely polarized in their political beliefs and seemed to have no restraint in sharing these views as often and as emphatically as possible.  I am sad to say that, often times, these comments have been seasoned with racist remarks, complete falsehoods and topped with clear insults toward anyone who might hazard a differing opinion.  During the election, I told my children that they should be honest about their political views but that they shouldn’t go out of their way to display their Democratic leanings at school with their peers.  When my son was the only child in his class to vote for Obama in the “mock election” the other students jeered and insulted him openly.  My daughter faced a similar response from close friends who argued fiercely that our country would be ruined; we would all have to wear a burqa and other such concerns.    I advised that in a hysterical political climate such as this, we should all suspend even entering into political conversations outside of our home.  My children invoked “free speech” and complained of unfairness.  I asked a simple question.  “Do you want to get along with your friends and acquaintances at school?”  They answered “Yes.”  So I reminded them of the list of topics that were not approved for polite public conversation.  They have grumbled about this over the years as they politely try to steer many political conversations to other more agreeable topics.  They dislike holding their tongue when others launch into political monologues.  However, what they have learned through only listening is that they never want to appear that way to others regardless of who is right or wrong.

They have found constructive formats to discuss politics; in social studies, history or civics class.  They make sure that they have facts to back up the points they make and have often helped to correct misconceptions of their classmates and even their teachers.  They are polite, they listen and they share what they know.  I am very proud of them for being brave enough to stand up and provide a new way to look at the issues while being considerate of their peers.

Many times, my children came home from school with outrageous stories about what their peers, teachers or other parents said to them.  For the most part, I have used each situation as a teachable moment and explained that there are people who serve as good role models and those who serve as bad role models; both are instructive.  However, it really bothers me when an adult feels the need to start an argument with a child.  I was shocked when my daughter told me about what happened to her once.  She had been invited to go out to dinner with her friend and her parents.  Suddenly, during dinner, the father turned to my 16 year old daughter and said “I heard you like Obama?  Can you tell me why he deserved the Nobel Peace Prize?”  My daughter said that the committee that chose him must have felt that he deserved it.  She said she didn’t want to be rude so she left it at that.  He became visibly angry and lectured her and then made snide remarks about President Obama in the car on the way home.  When my daughter told me about this, I suggested that the next time anyone brings up Obama and the Nobel Peace Prize, she should challenge them to tell her the name of at least one previous winner and why they won the prize.  She actually had occasion to do just that several times and the conversation ended quickly since no one knew the answer.   This was when the fury over the election was still fresh; a long time ago.  Everyone is much more civil now, right?

Yesterday, my twelve year old son was very excited to be invited to the home of a classmate.  The home was in one of the nicer neighborhoods in our area and, as is our habit, during the drive over, my husband reminded my son to be polite.  When he came home we asked him if he had fun, if he was good, and to tell us all about his visit.  He said he had fun, that they mostly shot air soft BB guns in the back yard and then he said “when I left, his dad said “you can come back anytime.””  Of course, my husband and I looked at each other with pride in our eyes and I said “good for you!”  Then my son added “Yeah, when I first got there, his dad said “So, I hear you are a Democrat, is that true?”  My son replied “yes, sir.” Then the dad shook his head and said “I’m sorry to hear that” and walked away.  In complete shock, I asked “how did he know you were a democrat?”  He explained that a few weeks ago, in social studies, they had to answer the question “Have you ever felt like a second class citizen?” and read their answer aloud.  My son answered “Yes, I feel like a second class citizen because I am a Democrat.” 

Wow!!! 

Perhaps this man has become caught up in the anger and fear of the Tea Party movement.  However, if he believes that he is following in the footsteps of our great forefathers, he might like to know what one of his heroes, Thomas Jefferson, had to say on the subject; “I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.” 

In the end, the man did tell my son that he was welcome anytime.  That may be because my son did not engage him or because he said only “yes, sir” or it may be because my son, who doesn’t whisper well, said to his friend “That was horrendously rude!” just after the father walked away.  His friend apologized and said “that’s just how my dad is.” 

A wise Frenchman, Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr, once said “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”  We may think that we have evolved and can say anything and do anything because “this is a free country”.   I do not argue that.  However, we should always consider that just because you can doesn’t mean you should.  A polite and civil society is based on being thoughtful about others.  I believe that the rules about polite conversation are just as germane today as they ever were and I for one wish that Americans would mind their manners.

 Further recommended reading: 

 Robert Fulghum’s “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten”

George Washington’s “Rules on Civility and Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation”

Benjamin Franklin’s “Poor Richard’s Almanac”

Anna Post’s (Great, great granddaughter of Emily Post) article “The Etiquette of Talking Politics”  

www.huffingtonpost.com/anna-post/the-etiquette-of-talking-_b_87893.html

New York Times book review of “Public Enemies: Dueling Writers Take on Each Other and the World:  www.nytimes.com/2011/01/16/books/review/Buruma-t.html